Lectio Divina

The Bible is daunting for someone who didn't grow up with it. I am an avid reader and voracious consumer of words and ideas when it comes to Anne McCaffery, Neil Schustermann, and JK Rowling. When the Bible opens, however, I am a five year old sitting in my grandfather's lap, struggling to hold the huge encyclopedia he would read to me each day. Only, he's dead, I am alone, and the encyclopedia is replaced by the loving story of redemption coded in a language and history that is rich and riddled with layers of symbolism.

I never knew what to do with the Bible. I just kinda opened it to a spot, would say a half hearted prayer, and start to read. There was no real purpose or plan. I would see friends live and breathe the Word. The scriptures would live on their lips and nestle in their soul as a compass pointing their days and lives to God. I wanted that. I craved that. But when I tried, my brain forgot how to read. I lost the ability to make personal connections, recognize literary devices like metaphors and similes, and would invariably end up on some list of names in a genealogy. Psalm 34:8, "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him" hits differently than Genesis 5:12-24,"And Enoch lived sixty and five years and begat Methuselah and Enoch walked with god after he begat Methuselah three hundred years, and begat sons and daughters...." No one wants that written in a sympathy card or to whisper to themselves when they need strength and courage.

When I started my Catholic journey, I heard about Lectio Divina in my inquiry class. I was intrigued because I had realized I would need the scripture to know God and prove to my intellect why He loved me. I was also nervous because my previous attempts didn't turn out so great. I sat and stared at the thick book and decided to open up to the Gospels. Surely I wouldn't find old testament genealogy and, instead, find food for the soul in the story of redemption. I settled on the book of Matthew because he was my favorite disciple from The Chosen television series. I said a quick prayer and eagerly opened up to Matthew 1:1, " The book of the generation of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham. Abraham begat Isaac; and Isaac begat...."

I stared at the passage and couldn't believe that I, again, found a genealogy. I stopped trying to find my own wisdom after that. I would pick passages from the Sunday mass readings and do an in depth analysis, complete with word study, cross references from different Bibles, and input from the Catechism. I felt like I out smarted the Bible and felt vindicated that I knew the word of God and what He wanted. My pride was increased when the Homily confirmed my understanding. The problem was that intellectually, I was satisfied, but spiritually, I was lonely and still yearning for a deep connection with God. I still struggled to believe that he loved me and wanted me to be close to Him because I couldn't hear Him.

Sometimes prayer feels like this.

I started reading the Bible a lot more on January 20th 2025 because I decided to take part in the Fiat 90 Lenten program. Each day, we would read from the Old Testament and the Gospels. We started with Tobit, and I really appreciated that it was simple narrative. Then we moved on to Judith. I really understood and enjoyed her story; I learned a lot about leaning on God and trusting Him, even when I wasn't sure how things would work or turn out. Then, read Esther with ease, but I struggled to see myself as an Esther. Our next book was Song of Songs. I struggled with that book because I struggle with Lust, felt unworthy of God's love, felt unworthy of marital love, and have been hurt by men I have loved and been loyal to. Love hurt. Love was bad.

I read the first chapter and physically felt my heart harden. It was about love, desire, and passion. It described what I wanted in a relationship. It described a woman worthy of love. I couldn't see myself in it. That evening, I watched a video on Word on Fire from Fr. Boniface about God's love. He described it as burning hot like the sun and a fiery, passionate desire for us akin to the love between intimate partners. I kept that in my heart and, when I was in a silent space, I found the warm, peaceful presence of God in my heart, and asked him to let me feel the intensity of his love. I was overcome by a furnace. It was so encompassing and big that the darkness created by my closed eyelids flashed a blinding white. I opened my eyes to see the room in front of me. The feeling subsided to to the small candle flame I sense of God when I pray. I kept that in my heart and remembered the feeling as I went throughout my week, thinking about it and recounting it to myself.

A few days later, Word on Fire posted a companion reflection using lectio divina. Immediately, I was hesitant becuase of my previous expereinces. I put it off until that evening, when I could be in my prayer corner and have no distractions, to try again.

When I sat down in front of my icons, candles, and Bible, I was apprehensive, but kept remembering the intense furnace of God and trusted in his Love. Part of the exercise was to choose either Psalm 23 or Song of Songs 2:8-17. I found it fortunate that one of the passages was from my Fiat 90 study, so it seemed natural to choose that verse. I started first by experiencing God in the silence of my soul. Once I felt Him, I began my prayer for guidance and understanding. He was my guiding flame tucked safely in my heart.

I read the words slowly, as described in the prompt. I waited for insight from God and there was more silence. I took some breathes and noticed the small flame begin to grow with his yearning for me to know him, trust him, and love him more. I read it again and the words turtledove, mountains and hills, and winter stuck out to me. I asked the Lord to guide me and he revealed a whole new world of the scripture to me. He said it was an allegory for how he pursues us- his burning desire for us, the turtledove is the offering his parents gave at His birth, the mountains prefiguring the sermon on the mount and the hill representing Calvary, Winter representing our trials and suffering until we are with Him in glory.

I heard HIM. I HEARD GOD teaching me the Bible, leading me in His word. My heart was full. I read it again, slowly, with a new understanding and even more information jumped out at me. When I was done, and thanked God, my soul felt nourished and bursting in a way I have only felt a few times before. I finally understand the purpose and benefit of Lectio Divina. I finally understood HOW to use it as a tool to guide my relationship with God and to grow with him.

Since that experience, I now wait to read the word until I can relish it with my Lord. I am able to feel Him throughout the day and feel like I am worthy of love, that I AM loved, and am tendering an intimate connection with Him. I don't think even the greatest romance novel can mimic the passion with which God pursues us and wants to draw us near. "My beloved spoke to me and said, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one. Come with me..." and I answered, "Yes."